Don’t ever believe that someone just popped out of the womb as the charismatic, got-it-all-together, successful person you think they are today. We all start at the same place—understanding nothing and needing everything. Soon enough we learn to speak, walk, spell our names, read, do math, hold a conversation, drive a car, enjoy deep relationships, take responsibility, and all the other things we at one time thought impossible for us.

What made overcoming the struggles of our past attainable? Why haven’t we already overcome our current struggles? Perhaps part of the solution to our past problems was found in the constant encouragement we got from parents and other adults as we were growing up. As we got older, it got harder to get the input we need. It probably doesn’t help that we try our hardest to convince everyone we have it all together already. Let me tell you a story of a lesson I learned far too late in life.

A few years after college, I came to realize that I did not understand what it meant to be a good friend. I know it is hard to imagine making it so far in life without having a basic understanding of friends, but my ignorance hit me like a freight train when one of my friends, let’s call him Ben, sat me down to talk about our relationship.

Ben started by asking, “Mark, who are your close friends?” I stared at Ben with a puzzled look. Surely Ben knew he was one of them! I began to list off some of my roommates, friends from church and from school, people I knew from groups I was involved with. “Kyle, Shelby, Tim, Vincent… Paul, Matt, Sarah, Whitney, Dan, and of course you… Oh! And Caleb, Matt, and Greg at work. Hmmmm, oh! And that’s not including anyone from volleyball…”

Ben eventually interrupted my listing effort. “That’s kinda what I thought you would say.” I was about to interject with another friend group from school when he continued, “Mark, you have a great talent for getting to know many people which is great. But when you put my name amongst a list of so many ‘close friends’, our friendship doesn’t feel so close to me.”

Ouch!

“Mark, while I would like to be your close friend, it often feels like I am just one of your many acquaintances. You seem to treat everyone you meet the same way. While you may be seeing the closeness developing in our friendship, I find it hard to see it that way.”

We need friends like Ben in our lives who are honest about the things they think and feel regarding us. Ben’s comments put new words to an idea that I had wrestled with for years. The way I always thought it was, “I am really good at meeting people for the first time, but I’m not so good at maintaining relationships. I don’t know what to say by the third time I meet someone.” This thought had continued with me through many seasons of life, and now at age 28, it was finally brought out of my thought world and in to the open by Ben.

I don’t remember what I said next, but it wasn’t eloquent and it didn’t change the fact that Ben and I had a pretty shallow relationship at the time. In fact, I remember coming away feeling hard pressed to think of anyone I had a deep relationship with.

In an effort to solve my relationship-depth problem, I went searching for articles and blogs about how to have deep friendships. Sure, they gave some good advice, but it was difficult to transfer that knowledge into the real world. I was set in my way of thinking about relationships and I could immediately tell that my progress moving into deeper relational waters through reading would be slow.

The key that unlocked exceptional progress for me is what this whole story is about. That key was choosing to be vulnerable. To overcome my unfortunate shallow-friendship problem, I chose to come clean with friends I trusted and respected in order to learn from them and walk through my issues with them.

Improving through vulnerability starts with recognizing a reality in your life that you wish was different. Sometimes we can feel these issues inside of us but haven’t quite put words on them. Other times we know our self-talk has been getting us down about it for years. Other times we see someone really shine in an area of life and we begin to wish we had that. Maybe we learn of some area for improvement from a great talk or from reading a book. In any case, unless pride is an area of weakness, we can all eventually identify things we can grow in.

Now, with some area of life in mind that we want to improve, we can begin the hard work of getting vulnerable about it with people we trust and respect.

I was on a road trip with some guy friends of mine. At a gastropub downtown I decided it was time to get real. I started, “Guys, I recently began noticing an area I want to grow in. Honestly, it is a little embarrassing to admit, but I think you guys could help me with some input on it. Would you mind if I shared and we talked about it for a little while?”

Every one of six guys I was sitting with immediately slammed their beers on the table, stood up in unison, and declared “MARK, you are a loser and we always knew it! We knew there was something wrong with you! Let’s get out of here before we end up as messed up as you!”

No. No, they didn’t actually do that. Instead, their kind pleasantries reminding me that we all have “stuff” and that they would be honored to hear me out and help in any way. I sheepishly smiled and began to say, “Well, I’ve begun to think more deeply about my friendships and I’ve realized that I don’t have a good definition of what a good friend is. Without that definition, I am realizing that maybe I only have mediocre and shallow relationships compared to what is possible. I want to be better about it with everyone, including you guys. What do yall think makes for a good friend? How do you define it and experience it?”

Thirty minutes of minor embarrassment later, each of these awesome guys had shared some of their best advice and stories about what being and having a good friend was all about for them. Some of their ideas stuck with me and shaped my own understanding. Some of it I’ve forgotten which is totally okay. Some of their words were directly to encourage me that even though I felt poor friend, they didn’t perceive me that way (pfew!). All of their advice was good for my soul and for our relationships.

I now had a ton more to think about than when I started. Phrases like “shared experiences,” “just spending time,” “able to call at anytime,” and so many others became part of my thought process that had never been there before. My vulnerability with the guys completely accelerated my learning curve. Perhaps listening in even helped some of them. Because I genuinely wanted to work on this part of my life, I was excited to implement some of their ideas into my behaviors with friends to test what resonated with me.

It didn’t take long until I realized I wasn’t struggling nearly as much with how I thought about my friends. And it didn’t take long after that until I realized I had uncovered a gold mine of progress-producing material in my life. In any area of my life, if I could name it and talk about it, I could improve it by simply having a vulnerable conversation and getting other peoples’ best ideas for myself! All it took to unlock it was to be vulnerable first. If I opened up, others could provide me input for growth. Before long I was having conversations about understanding my emotions, relationship dynamics in my family, beard tips, and girl advice.

We often think that being vulnerable is somehow showing weakness. While that is literally true, figuratively, vulnerability is actually one of the hardest things to do. I’ve found that the strength it takes to be vulnerable is often proportional to how valuable the lessons for improving my life ultimately become.

I now sometimes get vulnerable for almost entirely selfish reasons. If I see someone is super good at holding conversations, even if I think I can hold my own pretty well, I might still choose to reveal that I’m not that good at conversation. If I just share that I have a desire to improve in this or that area and would love input, people are willing to be the expert, the consolation, or the encourager I’ve been looking for! Yes, I’ll gladly gain from your best ideas, thank you very much!

Now it is your turn. Think about the situations and patterns in your life that you are frustrated by or want to improve. Put them into words the best you can. Then go find some friends that you trust and respect and let them know you are wanting to grow in that area. Before you know it, you will be so full of new ideas, perspectives, and encouragement that the struggle won’t be half as bad as when you kept it to yourself. Go be vulnerable first!